Friday, October 12, 2007

Alternate celebrities

One of the finest uses of Photoshop I have yet witnessed: Planet Hiltron, where celebrities are remade as ordinary American folks you might see at the office or the mall. As it might have been.

Of course, I also daydream of revolutionary paparazzi staging moments of maximum celebrity ugliness:


The windshield fills with white as the Monte Carlo punctures the left drivers’ side door and rear quarter panel. Elegant forms of sheet metal assembled with attentive precision by North America’s most diligent factory robots krush, crumpled like the aluminum foil of the Gods. The busted hymen of new car virginity rended in an act of loving violation.

“To free the world, we must rape the Spectacle,” says Avineri in the Prison Blog.

Tinted windows shatter and blow, exposing Jessica as she screams, the secret sphincters of her facial muscles contorting her pampered dermis into a horrifying rictus a hundred times over, once for each of the dilating shutters excitedly popping off in her face—our half-dozen cameras and those of the true paparazzi excitedly seizing upon the sudden scene.

The best of our photos and video clips will be posted on one of 0z0’s myriad websites that bounce from host to host as the cybercrime brigades hound the ISPs. The straight paparazzi images will end up in checkout counters and dinnertime television broadcasts. Percy usually manages to sell a few of our choicest illegally procured spots to the same outlets, financing our future efforts with the fruits of our transgression. The best of the celebrity accident photos will go for a few thousand bucks; clean video can reap five figures.



Stephen Dedman said...

Strangely enough, I didn't recognize either of those 'celebrities' just from their faces...

Chris Nakashima-Brown said...

(1) Paris Hilton, (2) Madonna, (3) Pamela Sue Anderson. Without the usual Apollonian effects.