Everything is improved by the judicious application of primates. Everything.

There’s a better world, somewhere. A world in which presidential campaigns don’t turn toxic, in which men and women can discuss politics rationally and maturely. A world in which literary genres like science fiction aren’t sneered at and disrespected, but instead treated the same way that mainstream books are: each author is happy to sell 300 copies of their novels. A world in which gay men and gay women have the same rights to awful, soul-destroying marriages, credit-wrecking alimony payments, and hideously painful weekend visits to children as heterosexual men and women. A world in which a woman will be judged and condemned not because of her affected Alaskan accent but because she doesn’t have the courage of her convictions and try to practice Strategic Level Spiritual Warfare in Washington, D.C., in front of Congress, on live television. A world in which we judge a man not by the color of his skin, but by the way he knots his tie. A world in which I’m not so terrified for my six-month-old son (who is the main reason I’ve been absent from this site for so long) and instead have the luxury of plotting ways that I can embarrass him when he’s a teenager.

A world in which there are more monkeys in movies.

As Chris Roberson, sage under heaven, has written, everything is improved by the judicious application of primates. Which is to say, everything’s better with monkeys. So imagine the world, so much better than our own, in which the following lines were uttered in films, and the changes necessary in those films to make those lines come to pass. Consider how much better certain films would be if these words had been said:

“Pay no attention to that monkey behind the curtain." (I actually, no foolin’, caught myself saying that to my son, which is what inspired this essay).

I’m going to make him a monkey he can’t refuse."

"Klaatu bonobo nicto."

"How do you live?" “I chimp." (It’s a shame there’s no film clip available online for this quote. It’s the last line in the movie, and it’s a killer).

"Chim-chim."

“I’m shocked–shocked!–to find that monkeys are in here."

"That’s no monkey."

"I’m your monkey."

“As God is my witness, I'll never be a monkey again." (Believe me, I wish I could have found a video to match “Lawzy, we got to have a doctor. I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ monkeys.")

"Open the monkey cage doors please, Hal."

"We deal in monkeys, friend." (And, of course, “Nobody throws me my monkey and says run...nobody."

Whatever Koko wants, Koko gets, and little man, little Koko wants you."