Tuesday, April 28, 2009

What you need: A post-apocalyptic SUV for Lunar Gurkhas from the future

In yesterday's junk mail, I received a copy of the duPont Registry, which I had never "read" before. As best I can tell, it is basically the mother of all shopper rags ("the world's premier luxury marketplace"), exclusively featuring ads for slightly used supercars, Eastern European mail order brides, hideous houses with pools for the newly bored Ukrainian harem to hang at, and watches that cost more than my truck.

What this delivery says about my demographic placement, I prefer not to ponder.

Flipping through this artifact of a world of idle wealth that is hopefully slipping into the past, my eye caughht a full page ad for the insane vehicle pictured above. The Conquest Vehicles KNIGHT XV.

Conquest Vehicle Inc's flagship vehicle, the KNIGHT XV defines the future of the ultra-luxurious, handcrafted fully armoured SUV. This one-of-a-kind, V10, 6.8-litre, Bio-fuel powered SUV was inspired by the Gurkha military vehicle (built by Armet Armored Vehicles Ltd.) and features security appointments that are unrivaled in today's SUV marketplace. The production of the KNIGHT XV will be limited to 100 vehicles.

Are you ready to be Knighted?

MSRP: $295,000.

(If you want an actual Gurkha vehicle, look here.)

[Pic: Armet Armored Vehicles' GURKHA LAPV.]

Like the Gurkha rigs, this thing is basically the mother of all Ford trucks, an F350 chassis repurposed by some psychotic grandchild of Gerry Anderson. What more perfect expression of the dark GWOT-era manifestations of Anglo-American cultural convergence than an armored SUV that marries Captain Scarlet into the Dixie Chicks? And actually produces this memetic insanity into a luxury product that appears in consensus reality?

The target market? Per the NY Times review:

The Knight XV is aimed at an exclusive international clientele of “high net-worth individuals,” the company said, including “entertainers, professional athletes, politicians and members of Middle Eastern royal families.” Saudi Arabia was specifically mentioned.

I bet some bored member of the Saudi royal family could even afford to load the sucker up with some of these sweet options:

Interior Appointments

Leather 6 way electric conference and cabin seating, total 6 passengers, in hand crafted Andrew Muirhead leather
Wilton Wool luxury carpeting
Spacious extended interior
Alpine AM, FM, CD, DVD, Navigation and Bluetooth equipment
Front power windows
Ultra Suede interior finish throughout
Leather-wrapped steering wheel
Interior lighting, map/courtesy and ambient
Dual screen rear console (remote controlled inputs)
Personal rear seat side mounted laptop stations

Exterior Appointments

Stainless steel running boards (side and rear mounted)
Knight XV 20" polished rims, forged from 6061 aluminum
Mickey Thompson 40" Baja tires
Fascia mounted PIAA dual mode fog and driving lamps
Heated, telescoping side view mirrors

Security Appointments

FLIR night vision cameras*** mounted front and rear, on individual screens
Roof mounted rear view camera
Keyless entry system
Transparent, tinted, armour glass throughout
Tandem tinted moon roof panels (transparent armour) with privacy shades
ASC Ballistic run flat system on all tires
Securilok** passive anti theft key system

** Torqshift and Securilok are registered trademarks of Ford Motor Co.

*** The PathfindIR Thermal imaging Camera offers dramatically better performance compared to traditional Night Vision Cameras.The FLIR Systems PathFindIR is a compact thermal imaging camera that significantly reduces the hazards of night time driving. This Automotive Night Vision Systems enable drivers to see much further, with improved clarity, than with standard headlights. Drivers can detect and monitor pedestrians, animals, or objects on or near the road, allowing more time to react to any potential danger. PathFindIR Thermal imager helps to detect and recognize potential hazards in total darkness, smoke, rain and snow.

FLIR PathFindIR is standard equipment on all Knight XV vehicles sold in North America.

What does it say about our world that there are "grown men" who produce and purchase vehicles that simulate the fantastic Dinky toys of their childhoods, vehicles on loan from SHADO? Wonderful crazy things, I suppose, and I look forward to our reunion on the moon base.



Dave Hardy said...

Some may scoff, but the Gurkha is the only vehicle with cup-holders big enough for the 158 oz Ultra-Texas Thirst Nuker.

John Edge said...

You must of course remember that Captain Scarlet and his colleagues used to drive around in SPVs - Spectrum Pursuit Vehicles. Notable feature of these was that the driver sat facing backwards and only given a view of the road via video cameras.

Jayme Lynn Blaschke said...

Waitaminute... You drive a PICKUP?

Christopher Brown said...

No, Jayme, I drive a 1987 Land Cruiser. Though I would like to get a Toyota pickup sometime, tricked out all Taliban style.